My Declaration
by GreenLoki
Summary: A story about a mistake that nearly cost him everything. A story about how strong his love for him truly was. A story about how far he was willing to go to never lose the love of his life.


He had absolutely no idea how it came to this, only that it was serious, and that he had this sickening feeling deep in his gut that was just twisting and pulling at his stomach, leaving a horrible feeling dwelling inside. His palms were sweating and he couldn't stop fidgeting, his body moving on its own accord. It was the first time in a long time that he actually felt afraid – utterly completely terrified of the outcome. Chocolate brown eyes shimmered, expressing worry and sorrow, and he wished he could take it all back, but knowing somewhere deep down in his heart that he possibly screwed things up a bit too much, created permanent damage. He could see the pain that he caused, could see how much _he_ was hurting, and – just like always – he was too late to realize the poison of his words … as well as how committed _he_ was to them. He was too late to realize …

For once in his life, Tony Stark was speechless. For once in his life, as he stood there, staring at the love of his life, but too afraid to say it out loud, Tony felt himself falling. It was that sudden rush of air after missing a step that caused his heart to race and his breath to hitch in his throat. The words were on the tip of his tongue, and Tony opened his mouth to voice out what and how he truly felt, but at the last second, he closed his mouth, because he just realized that no words could ever really describe what he was feeling. As he stared at the man who kept meaning in his life, Tony came to realize that being with him was like breathing – it was as natural as inhaling and exhaling the oxygen that filled his lungs, keeping him alive. And he realized it too late.

"Loki …"

"Please don't," The God said his once powerful voice now soft and reserved. His back was to Tony, his arms wrapped around his body in a defensive, protective stance, as though he was waiting for another strike, his body stiff and tense. If possible, Loki looked older in age and smaller in person. If possible, he looked broken – permanently broken with no chance of ever being put back together, as though he knew this would happen and was reserved to the fact that he would be the one to suffer. "I think you have said enough."

And that angered him, knowing that Loki was blaming himself for what was Tony's fault. He was the reason Loki was broken and in pain, and he had no right to take the blame for something he didn't even do. Tony was the fuck-up while Loki was perfect – completely and utterly perfect.

"You have made clear of what you feel towards me, so I shall –"

"No," Tony shook his head, running a hand through his already tussled hair. He felt his heart beating in this throat, the lump closing his airways, causing him to almost panic. "No, Loki, baby, let me explain, please."

"What more can you possibly say that you have not yet?" His voice just barely rose in volume, but Tony could see that he was getting ready to lash out. "You don't want me anymore – fine. I will leave."

"I don't want you to leave," His voice sounded unfamiliar to him as he took a step towards the wounded God, his hand outstretching as though he wanted to pull Loki into his arms and hold him forever, but he stopped at the last second, knowing that the God would simply pull away. And that fact scared him above anything else, because for as long as Tony could remember, even when they were arguing about the most ridiculous things, no matter how angry he was, Loki never pulled away when Tony wrapped his arms around him. Knowing that a line had been drawn between them – a line that Tony was forbidden to cross until Loki allowed it – a wave of fear flooded through him, because no matter how strong he thought himself to be, Tony knew he couldn't handle not ever crossing. "I …"

"You … what, Tony … what are you trying to tell me? I cannot read your mind no matter what you think," Loki said, his voice full of exasperation. He looked tired, worn, as though the fight had been ripped from him. And it was all Tony's fault. He finally turned to look at Tony, emerald green eyes dull. They were once pride and full of such light, but now they were empty, wounded. So many emotions flitted through them, but those were buried deep down in his soul, while the surface was filled with such emptiness, it was scary to look at. And that was Tony's fault, as well, because not too long ago, just the mere presence of Tony would make those emerald green eyes sparkle and light up the entire room. "I am going to leave, Stark."

"No."

"I am tired. I cannot stand here and decipher what you are trying to rely to me anymore. If you cannot simply tell me what you're … you're …" And there it was, that burst of emotion, that final rush before the tidal wave came and washed him away completely. Tears rimmed in his eyes as he stared at Tony, those emerald greens too intense for chocolate browns to meet. "TELL ME!"

His mouth opened and closed on its own accord, Tony being unable to sort through the jumble that made up once brilliant mind. His fear and panic of Loki leaving, the fear and panic of never waking up beside him, of never holding and kissing him, of never finding him in a room full of hundreds of people … it was his worst nightmare, but he simply couldn't say anything, because no matter how he tried to convey through his eyes that words were so little and meaningless when it came to matters of the heart, the message wasn't sending, and he could see a few tears escape, leaving trails down pale cheeks. The lump clogged in his throat, and Tony found that he couldn't breathe when Loki nodded his head in resolution and turned around, slowly walking out of sight. His chin quivered as his heart slowly broke into pieces, and suddenly his feet were moving in the direction Loki had just went, a newfound determination flowing through his veins as he easily caught up to the God, a hand wrapping around his thin arm, twisting him back around.

His free hand went to his shirt, yanking it off, not caring that it ripped. Loki had opened his mouth to say something, his emerald green eyes flashing angrily at the grip Tony had on him, but just when the words were getting ready to pass through his lips, just as he was getting ready to yank himself free, at the last second, his eyes found what Tony was fiddling with, and all the words died on his tongue as Tony ripped the arc reactor out of his chest and slammed it down on the table next to them.

"If you're going to leave then take this with you, because I don't want to live without you!"

For the longest time, Loki did absolutely nothing. The shock was too great and his eyes couldn't leave Tony's. He couldn't move and he couldn't breathe and just stood there, watching as Tony slowly got paler and paler. And in that moment, Loki finally saw what Tony was trying to tell him. He finally saw the love and the admiration and the devotion that he thought he was the only one who felt. He was wrong when he thought Tony only wanted him for sex. He was wrong when he thought that their relationship, no matter how committed he became, was just brief and leading nowhere. And as Tony slowly sunk to the floor, his body going into cardiac arrest, Loki knew that if Tony couldn't live a day without him, then Loki surely couldn't survive an eternity without him.

"Oh, my God, Tony …" Loki panicked, his arms instantly wrapping around Tony's dying body, slowly easing his descent to the floor. The tears fell freely down his face, blinding him as he sorted through his mind, trying to figure out what to do to save Tony before it was too late. But he couldn't think, he could barely breathe, and he realized that Tony was breathing for both of them, and if he were to die then Loki would die, too. "Please don't leave me! Please! Tell me what to do!"

"I love you," Tony gasped out, his voice shaky and almost hard to discern, but Loki caught it. A trembling hand reached forward, and a tear of his own fell from his chocolate brown eyes when Loki leaned into the touch rather than moved away like he was afraid he would.

"Don't tell me that now," Loki sobbed, a hand brushing the side of Tony's face, wiping the tear away. He couldn't stop shaking, couldn't stop thinking about how scared he was. He couldn't stop thinking about Tony leaving, about how he'd never wake up beside him again, of how he'd never hold or kiss him again, of never finding him in a room full of hundreds of people. It was his worst nightmare. "Tell me that when I've saved for your life."

"You have, though … the second you walked into it."

And he just couldn't hold on anymore. No matter how strong he tried to be, no matter how calm he needed to be, it wasn't enough to stop the wave of emotions that flooded through him, and Loki let out a strangled sob, his hands wrapping around the sides of Tony's face. He leaned in and kissed him, his lips pressing against every inch of his face. And just when Tony looked like he was getting ready to pass on, everything finally clicked. Lunging for the arc reactor that was forgotten on the table, Loki grabbed it and fell to his knees beside Tony again, his fingers fiddling with the device. Several times during those seconds, Loki felt the panic rising to new heights. Several times Loki felt like he was too late, that he wouldn't be able to put it in in time. And when he finally was able to figure out how it worked, Loki put it back in Tony's chest, relieved when he felt the hum of the arc reactor beneath his fingers.

He sat there. Minute after minute passed and nothing was happening and minute after minute, Loki continued to cry. His entire body was shaking as he stared down at Tony's body, unable to see him due to the tears that blinded him. He couldn't touch Tony after that, couldn't fathom the idea of feeling cold, dead skin beneath his fingertips when that body, that body that he loved so much, was supposed to be warm and inviting. So he waited. And he waited. And the tears never stopped falling, his body shaking and jerking due to the force of his pain and fear.

And just when he had lost all hope, a hand rested on the side of his face, a warm, inviting palm fitting perfectly against his cheek. His eyes opened and those emerald green eyes lit up at the sight of Tony, sitting up, moving, breathing, smiling that smile that warmed his heart and made it beat faster than he ever thought possible. He cried harder then. His arms wrapped around Tony's neck and he felt himself being pulled against Tony, a sob ripped from him at the feel of that warm body. And it was as he buried his face in the crook of Tony's neck that he felt wetness against his own neck. He pulled away, but just barely, just enough to get a look at Tony's face, to see tears streaming down his cheeks, running down his neck.

"Don't ever leave me … please," Tony whispered, not trusting his voice to raise any louder than that. He held Loki's face in his hands, his chocolate brown eyes taking in every single detail, storing it away in memory, though he didn't really need to. The second he laid eyes on Loki, no matter the situation, Tony knew that somehow they were meant to be, that they were just two people with horrible pasts that could understand each other in a way that no one else could. They were two people who were lucky enough to find each other before their pain became too much for them to bear, and together they were able to find happiness in a world full of pain and anguish.

"I won't," Loki shook his head, his hands wrapping around the wrists that held onto his face. He could not let him ago, because he was afraid that he was just imagining. But when he let go of one wrist and placed it on the man's chest, when he could Tony's heart beating rapidly against his hand, air rushed in his lungs, because he wasn't imagining Tony. He was real and he was alive, and he had his arms wrapped around once more, pulling him against his warm body, holding him in a way that he never had before. Because both knew what they had almost lost, and both knew that they were to the end.

"I love you."


End file.
